I didn’t even finish the book that changed my life.

I grew up in a normal Catholic family, besides my father, everyone was devoted to their beliefs. We went to Church every Sunday and I was involved with my local Church and that was how things were. That was what life was. I never thought, that there was anything else out there.

I had my communion in grade 3, I was wearing a very white dress and was leading the procession next to my childhood’s crush as I was the shortest that year. That day was like a fairy tale for me. I was in the middle of the attention, and had the best spot, my family members from all around the country came to celebrate with me and that was the first time I was allowed to receive the consecrated wafer. I hesitated only shortly to eat it, as the idea of it being Christ’s own flesh was scary. And when I watched the pastor drink His blood I was waiting for him to frown or at least show that it didn’t taste that good. But that was just how it was.

I joined the local “Star singers”, a group of kids going from house to house on the 6th of January, all dressed up as the three wise men bearing gifts and singing carols, drawing a blessing on the door and collecting small donations. Every year I was excited to go out there, even though it always rained or was too cold. I graduated from being the one carrying the star to being one of the kings. I knew what door not to knock on, as a grumpy old man lived there who always yelled at us and chased us away with his dog.

When I was old enough I started my service as an altar girl. The local pastor told me about it and I liked him a lot. He was funny and a good friend to us. I was so involved that even on days I was just going to church the chaplain sometimes came out before the mass to get me, as the altar boys scheduled for that mass didn’t show up. I sometimes was the only one up there, proud to serve and to know every step by heart, so that I, as young as I was, sometimes helped cover up mistakes of the others. We sometimes talked about the bible and I knew I couldn’t ask the questions I had. I was too young to understand the exact ways of how a child was born, but I knew that a man and a woman had to be involved. So how could Adam and Eve have 3 sons and create the whole of humanity if there was only one woman? And again with Noah’s ark? How could the early people in the bible live for several 100 years? Those were the questions of a child, but I knew I couldn’t ask them, as people might think I didn’t believe hard enough.

Yes, I will eventually come to the book I talked about in the beginning. My parents are both avid readers. My father reads books faster than he can buy them. When I was young I mostly read stories about horses, as a lot of girls my age did. As a lot of children my age, we were introduced to fantasy through Harry Potter, after those I couldn’t stop reading Fantasy books.

One day, when I was 13, I stole my first book.

It was an old well-read copy, just lying around the classroom, gaining dust. It had been there untouched for at least the two years I had class there. We also had a little classroom library, but this book had never belonged to it. So I took it. For days I just had it at home, hiding it in a drawer, waiting for either the school’s principal to come running up the stairs, my parents or even God. As nothing happened, I felt confident enough to start reading it.

It was a copy of Jostein Gaardner’s Sophie’s World. I read about Aristotle, Socrates, Plato and The Enlightenment. Alongside of Sophie’s journey, I also had a journey of Enlightenment and I could hardly breathe while reading this. It was like stepping out of Plato’s Cave, that until then I was only following and looking at the shadows and was now being blinded by the light. For the first time I allowed myself to ask my questions, for the first time I was aware that this was not how the world was, but that there is so much more and that there is more than one theory to how it is. That it was okay to think different. I eventually gave the book back before I could finish it, because my thirteen year old self was not dealing well with the guilt, but the impact was already there. It took a few months to really settle into my brain, as I always caught myself thinking about these philosophy concepts and apologizing to God, just in case, but the lightning strike never came and eventually I asked myself if God actually existed and came to a conclusion for myself that would change my world view entirely. This book gave me the ability to think freely for the first time, the ability to evaluate and analyze a concept and to not just follow the lead of my surroundings. I was able to accept different world views, religious views and beliefs for the first time and find my own view that I was comfortable in.

I still value the same morals of my younger childhood and I do not judge religion or other beliefs, on the contrary I appreciate what the Church has done for me and for every person on this planet and I admire people that are strong in their beliefs, I just decided that this was not for me.