Jan 05, 2018
i’m not a writer but i write this simply because theres a chance that these words could help someone out there just like the words of others helped me. i could talk endlessly about how much books have helped me through out my life . they’ve been my constant companion through my life, no matter how lonely i felt or how depressed i got i could always lose myself in a book and find some solace there. but i wont talk about any of that. i just want to talk about this one time that two books directly affected the course of my life. i might’ve been ashamed to talk about this or would rather just forget and move on but i was influenced by the #metoo movement and the words of others along with these two books to just talk about any experience you’ve had cause maybe just like those words in those two books helped me my words no matter how unelloquent i feel them (im no talented writer) might help someone out there figure things out. the gist of it is i was in a bad relathioship . i was scared and felt like i couldnt speak out because i had no right to. the relationship was so toxic i actually belived that. he made me feel worthless forced me to belive that i was the terrible selfish person that i was the one with a cold heart. there were times when he would say things that made me feel like i was in danger . i didnt feel safe at all with him i felt like i was being suffocated every time i had to sit with him. i was so deluded by him so convinced that the wrong was on me that no one would ever take my side if i said that i couldnt be with him because hes obviously such a saint and im such a horrible person. im not saying hes the devil either we were just unfit together the relationship turned toxic real fast and i couldnt even see it i was depressed and constantly having panic attacks and like always I took my escape through books and the two books that really helped me realise how terrible my situation was are A Court of Mist and Fury by Sarah J Maas and Unfiltered by Lily Collins. See it was first ACOMAF and (spoilers?) Feyres struggles with Tamlin and that whole relationship that made me start to see that the situation I was in wasn’t right and the way I was being treated wasn’t fair. I felt just as trapped as Feyre did. And throughout the book I’m sitting here hating Tamlin and thinking that Feyre deserves better and that she should leave him and coming to reality that I deserve better as well and that I needed to get out. Only problem was I had already lost my voice I felt completely weak and helpless. If only I had some magical powers to protect me. In Lily Collins unfiltered she talks about a toxic relationship that she was in and how she had those same exact feelings of fear and helplessness and she frequently talks about what it’s like to feel like you’ve lost your voice and most importantly what I’ve learned from her is that no one can ever take away your voice they can scare you and frighten you and you might feel like you can never speak out but that isn’t the truth you always have a voice and you can speak out and just say it and I don’t know that really helped me. I was sitting there in the middle of another one sided argument listening to him tell me how selfish and heartless I was for asking for the simplest things and all I couldn’t say anything and all I could think was no matter what I say you can’t hear me I have no voice and in that moment I thought about Lily and everything she wrote about and how inspired she made me feel and I just got up off that forsaken couch and walked out. I decided that I do have a voice and that the issue wasn’t with my voice the issue was that no matter how loud I screamed he wouldn’t hear me but the world wasn’t just him. So I left and I spoke out to my sister who convinced me to talk to my father who I was terrified would just silence me as well but he didn’t because the moment I finally opened my mouth and spoke out that’s when all the pain I had been bottling in for months came pouring out and he heard me he heard how unhappy I was and he jumped up and got out of his way to help me. It was a defining moment that I will remember for the rest of my life. I’ve always been a very quiet private person I never liked to tell anyone of anything that bothered me because I believed they wouldn’t care or they’d just blow it off. I definitely mostly was scared of my family after years of going against them and feeling like I could never belong or be accepted and shutting myself away from them these two books gave me the bravery I needed to let go of all that and take a chance to save myself and it made me realise that in the end I could trust them and I could speak to them after years and years of feeling that I was living without a voice I finally realised that my voice is there I just had to trust that they would listen. It’s still a struggle I still often doubt myself and feel like my words don’t matter and that I should just keep it to myself that it’s not that big of a deal. But it does matter and it is important. And what I’ve learned from those books I will carry forever I have a voice we all do and we should always speak out even if it feels like a small thing those words might be the thing that helps to push someone to a better place it might help someone find their strength. I’m not a writer and I feel like I’ve worded this terribly but I also feel that that shouldn’t matter but that what matters is that I get my words out so that someone can hear them and who knows maybe it can help them just like those words have helped me.